Chapter 12 – As It Turns Out
Novel t.i.tle: 一生之计在于春 (Spring is the Plan of Life)
Author：御小凡 (Yu Xiaofan)
Translator: K (@kin0monogatari)
Protagonists: 姚锦夕 (Yao Jinxi -MC), 吴洋 (Wu Yang -ML)
*Please read at knoxt.s.p.a.ce, the original site of translation. TQ*
There’s a KFC near their company. At this time, it’s past the rush hour, making it quite peaceful. This worked out well for the two of them since they could choose any empty seat.
Seeing Wu Yang naturally heading to the counter to place an order, Yao Jinxi followed and stretched his neck, saying, “Get me some extra packets of ketchup, please.”
They both ordered porridge for breakfast, which puzzled the server a bit. But still, customer service prevailed and they got a few extra packets of ketchup for them.
Carrying their trays, they sat by the window. Yao Jinxi held up a packet of ketchup and waved it in front of Wu Yang. “You don’t need these, do you?”
Wu Yang found it amusing. With a mischievous look in his eyes, he said, “Well, you can have them all.”
Seeing Yao Jinxi looking confused, he couldn’t help but tease, “What? Do you want me to go back and get you a few more packets?”
“No, I’m just being considerate for you,” Yao Jinxi stuffed the packets of ketchup into his pocket one by one. When he realised the left pocket was full, he started filling the right one. This somewhat childlike action made Wu Yang burst into laughter.
Yao Jinxi clicked his tongue. “What’s so amusing about it?”
Wu Yang paused for a moment. What is it that he finds so amusing? As long as he’s with Yao Jinxi, his mood will always get better. He laughed as he said, “Am I wrong to be amused?”
Yao Jinxi furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what was going on. “Have you come to terms with it?”
“What do you mean by coming to terms with it?” Wu Yang then understood the meaning. But he just said indifferently, “Didn’t I already tell you that Jin Xiaoxiao has a boyfriend? Didn’t you already know about it?”
“…That’s true, but…” Yao Jinxi didn’t know how to express it for a moment. Wu Yang’s reaction made him confused. Did today’s incident not affect Wu Yang at all? But come to think of it, when had he ever been able to gauge Wu Yang’s reactions since they met?
Yao Jinxi leaned back. He then turned his head and shrugged his shoulders at him, “Fine, no problem. As long as you’re feeling okay. But speaking of which…”
With a spoon in his hand, he jokingly pointed at Wu Yang, “It’s all your fault.”
Wu Yang chuckled, “I’m sorry. My bad.”
Yao Jinxi sighed, “…”
This att.i.tude is too complacent. It was almost like he’s just brus.h.i.+ng it off.
Yao Jinxi stirred his porridge with a spoon. “Can I ask a question?”
Wu Yang said, “Ask away”
Yao Jinxi hesitated to ask this question. He wanted to ask, “Why do you keep calling people in the middle of the night?“
Doing it occasionally, it might be due to emotional turmoil. But if it’s a regular thing, it starts sounding a bit creepy.
However, labelling someone as creepy didn’t sit well with Yao Jinxi. He found it quite unsettling. He stirred the porridge for a while and took a spoonful into his mouth.
While he was still hesitating, Wu Yang spoke up, “After being with you, I haven’t called her again.”
Yao Jinxi was caught off guard by this statement that he almost spat out his porridge. He choked and coughed a little. Being with you? What do you mean by ‘being with you’? Who has been with whom?
Wu Yang didn’t seem to notice Yao Jinxi’s unusual reaction. He casually handed over a tissue and said, “She has been calling me these past few days. But I haven’t answered.”
“Wait, wait…” Yao Jinxi wiped his mouth vigorously with the tissue while holding up his other hand in a stopping gesture. “I didn’t want to ask about your entanglement with her. What does this have to do with me?”
He felt awkward with Wu Yang explaining the situation like a man trying to justify himself to his wife. He quickly changed the topic, “I just wanted to know if this habit of making phone calls is a hobby or something related to special circ.u.mstances because these things can easily lead to trouble.”
Counting himself, he already knew of three people involved in this situation. But he had no idea if there were others.
With his hands loosely clasped on the table, Wu Yang remained silent for a moment in response to Yao Jinxi’s question. Then he finally replied, “…I can’t control myself.”
Unexpectedly, after this response, there followed a long silence.
Yao Jinxi was staring at Wu Yang. He was taken aback and unable to speak. He interpreted Wu Yang’s silence as an irrational explanation. But then he saw Wu Yang’s gaze gradually rise and fixate on him. But his eyes brightened slowly.
Then, with a smile, Wu Yang said, “Because I have depression.”
Yao Jinxi’s mouth slightly hung open, rendering him speechless.
Wu Yang interpreted his expression as disbelief in himself and continued, “Many people don’t understand. And honestly, I didn’t at first either. I thought it was just a period of low spirits. Maybe I was tired because I hadn’t slept well for a long time… This started when I was at the peak of my career, making a lot of connections for those bosses, doing a lot of long-term investments. In a general sense, I became a successful person.”
Wu Yang paused. Then, his voice turned cold, “But I lost interest in everything. I would zone out involuntarily when I was alone. Even while I was driving on the street, I couldn’t control myself from zoning out. I was in a car accident because of it.”
As if recalling that time, his expression became distant for a moment. But he quickly regained his composure. “I’m afraid to drive now because I can’t concentrate. When I knew that something was wrong, it was already quite serious.”
Wu Yang continued speaking, seemingly unaware of the impact his words were having on Yao Jinxi. Yao Jinxi had to ask almost subconsciously, “Haven’t you seen a psychologist?”
In response to this crucial question, Wu Yang gave a bitter smile and said, “I did go to see one. They prescribed medication that helps me manage my daily life. I endured it, thinking everything would get better. But then, I met my mother.”
Yao Jinxi had heard about Wu Yang’s family situation and he had a sinking feeling that this story wouldn’t have a happy ending. He hadn’t forgotten that Wu Yang’s mother had pa.s.sed away.
“Actually, I knew she was in Shanghai. My father gave her all of the compensation money. But she still didn’t do well,” Wu Yang said, with no hint of joy in his voice. “When she needed money, she would come to me.”
Yao Jinxi didn’t know if he should interrupt Wu Yang’s story. He was finding it increasingly difficult to listen. He could already guess what happened next. Wu Yang, longing for family, received such a treatment from his own mother.
Harm from outsiders often had reasons and motivations. But harm from close family members was like a sharp blade, cutting deep into the heart.
This was definitely not good for someone dealing with depression.
He had gone to C City, seemingly wanting to escape. But then he heard about his mother’s pa.s.sing. After arranging her affairs, he returned. But his condition had worsened.
“You probably can’t understand that feeling. I knew I was sick, but I couldn’t treat it or control it,” Wu Yang said, “I followed the doctor’s advice to interact with people, live positively, and avoid staying at home.”
So he liked to party. Even if he had to drag someone along, he would find someone to accompany him. But he didn’t have any friends. How could he have friends? He had seen all sorts of people, knew how to manipulate them, understood human nature, and knew that people could easily be calculated. How could he truly connect with anyone?
As he said these words, Wu Yang’s face became devoid of expression. His voice turned even colder. “But I still wanted to die.”
Yao Jinxi’s hand trembled slightly. He couldn’t help but curl his fingers inward.
Wu Yang thought to himself that; ‘Logic tells you that you shouldn’t do this. But your emotions can’t bear it anymore. You’re exhausted.’
At this point, Yao Jinxi was trembling. He couldn’t bear to hear more. Wu Yang had just revealed something deeply personal and painful.
With a weary expression, Wu Yang removed his gla.s.ses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He then apologised, “I’m sorry for sharing all this. I know it’s not easy to hear.”
Not easy? Yao Jinxi whispered; “It’s okay.”
Everything suddenly made sense. Yao Jinxi, in truth, knew more about depression than Wu Yang might have expected. He tasted bitterness in his mouth but tried to maintain a light tone. “I think your condition seems to have improved now, right?”
“Yes,” Wu Yang’s tone s.h.i.+fted as he answered both lightly and quickly. When his gaze met Yao Jinxi’s, all the invisible burdens from his memories seemed to dissipate.
He maintained a faint smile. This smile reached his eyes, accentuating his good looks. “I have you to thank for that.”
Yao Jinxi understood Wu Yang’s meaning. For someone with depression, what they need most might not be the guidance of a psychologist or medication. It could be companions.h.i.+p, especially during the late-night hours when the condition tends to be at its worst.
After all, it’s a mental illness. External factors can only do so much.
Yao Jinxi shrugged his shoulders and said, “You’re welcome. But to make my efforts worthwhile, you need to adjust and avoid any relapses.”
Yao Jinxi’s words had a hint of playfulness, but he was actually serious. Relapses are a common tendency in depression. Depression, often mistaken for simply being in a bad mood or overly sensitive, is a prevalent psychological disorder. People suffering from depression rarely realize they are ill unless they reach the point of contemplating suicide.
It’s the lack of awareness that often leads to irrevocable consequences.
“I’ll do my best,” Wu Yang replied. But his answer lacked strong conviction. Yao Jinxi understood the concept of doing one’s best all too well. It’s not as simple as just saying, “Think positively” and the problem would be solved.
He absentmindedly tapped on the table, producing a light sound from the Buddhist prayer beads, “Jin Xiaoxiao… is that her name? Well, maybe you should forget about her. Dating two people at once isn’t the right thing to do.”
Yao Jinxi realised that Wu Yang might not even have strong feelings for Jin Xiaoxiao. It could be stemmed from the longing he had. “Recovery from depression is possible, you know. Find someone who can be there for you.”
“I know. But it’s been so long,” Wu Yang replied while gazing directly at Yao Jinxi. “Who could that person be?” His words carried a questioning tone, almost like a rhetorical question. His tone was gentle and sincere. His gaze remained unbroken.
Yao Jinxi felt a sudden discomfort. He thought the conversation was going in an unusual direction. He repeated to himself that this man was a straight guy. But the atmosphere was becoming strangely ambiguous. Trying to evade the topic, he said, “Fate is a strange thing. You never know who you might meet when the time is right.”
“That’s true,” Wu Yang lowered his gaze and smiled softly. His words held both uncertainty and affirmation. “When we meet them then we know.” His eyes remained locked on Yao Jinxi as if conveying something.
*Author’s Note: Depression is easily attained. The fact is, many people may not even realise they have it. Depression is indeed a serious mental health condition and seeking help and support is essential for those who experience it. -YXF
*Translator’s Note: I understand it perfectly. One of the reasons why I was very attracted to this novel was because both of these main characters are broken and they are dealing with depression. It’s something that I can relate to so much. And that is why I think this novel is beautiful. It’s like a gift for me. -K
Next update: 2023.10.05